INSIDE’S MOCA’S MIND PART 1: THE REALIZATION
It’s funny how your perception of yourself always varies from those on the outside looking in. Have you ever wondered how you tend to give off a certain vibe or how someone’s constructive criticism of you can be so dead on once you really think about it? What about when your intentions seem to get lost in the delivery of your actions. Yeah, so with the help of some friends and family, I have realized ALL of this about myself in the last few weeks. Needless to say my mind has been in overdrive. ;~)
All of my thoughts and debates came to a head when I went to visit my Aunt Martha. In our many discussions about life, specifically guys and relationships, she told me that I’m afraid of ‘commitment.’ This immediately took me by surprise because I have NEVER thought I was scared to commit. In weeks prior I had just realized that I have a problem with using guys to fill voids in my life. I don’t like being by myself, so I keep myself busy with work and all of the different projects I have my hands in. When everything is in order and moving along smoothly, I get bored. So, I then call up a guy friend to hangout with and occupy my time until I get busy again then the cycle repeats. But what I REALLY want is someone consistent. Someone that I can make time for when I’m busy and without question has all my time when I’m not, someone that can enjoy my world and takes the time to create our own, someone that I can grow in my purpose with, the ONE that GOD created just for ME.
My aunt brought a whole new light to my behavior and really why my eyes have been closed to the one that GOD has for me. She asked me why was I not in a relationship with any of the guys I talk to and what makes one better than the other. After the typical, I like this about him and that about him it dawn on me. I’m scared, I’m afraid of loving someone that doesn’t love me, I’m scared of putting all of me into a relationship and it is not returned (again). So, I only do so much, I only allow them in enough to enjoy their company but not enough to hurt me if they decide they no longer like my company. I wait for them to meet this secret expectation to prove to me that they are really interested in a relationship and when ‘they don’t’…then ‘I don’t.’ Problem is they never knew they were being tested and therefore couldn’t study to pass.
You see, I LOVE hard and with EVERYTHING in me. I have a LOT to offer internally and externally, so many benefits come with me, and it frightens me to think that someone would take advantage of my heart with selfish intentions disguised as interest. So, while I NEVER thought I was afraid of commitment after evaluating my actions it just might be true…lol. Which is so crazy to me because I want to be in a committed relationship with a guy that makes me laugh, has a foundation planted in God, ambitious, intelligent, excepts the man’s role as ‘ Head of the household,’ that looks good in a t-shirt and jeans but knows how to make a suit look sexy, that is understanding of my lifestyle and supportive of my purpose, that is secure, that is easy going, that wants kids, that loves me unconditionally flaws and all. I want FOREVER LOVE…EVERLASTING LOVE…TILL DEATH DO US PART LOVE.
But I have realized that in order for God to show me this perfect guy I have to be willing to REALLY take the risk. No half stepping, no testing the waters, it has to be a complete step into the relationship. Which means being honest with him and I. Whew!!! I think this was a very BIG first step!!!!!! People say admittance is half the battle. Dang, I’m still in shock that after all these years I’m REALLY afraid of commitment…CRAZY!!! These are the things YOU can find out about YOURSELF if YOU keep LIVING OUT LOUD!!!!!